This transcription is provided by artificial intelligence. We believe in technology but understand that even the smartest robots can sometimes get speech recognition wrong.

Today on Town Hall

I figured I'd have this one mentor, like a Yoda, that, that would really guide me. And what I have found is I have a team of advisors in it and it started just like you mentioned, just seeing somebody in a business setting, and maybe they make a comment about. Their family or maybe training for a triathlon just go up to them and say hey, yeah, let's go grab lunch or coffee I want to learn more about that.

My name is Bill Russell. I'm a former CIO for a 16 hospital system and creator of This Week Health.

Where we are dedicated to transforming healthcare, one connection at a time. Our town hall show is designed to bring insights from practitioners and leaders. on the front lines of healthcare.

Alright, let's jump right into today's episode.

  Hello, everyone. Welcome to one more episode of Today's Week Health. My name is Carla Arzola and I'm a healthcare executive.

Today's guest is Jay Millar. He is a client director at World Wide Technology. But Jay is a lot more than that. Jay is an Army veteran and he's extremely passionate about helping other people succeed. He's a coach, a mentor. And the author of the book, The Ultimate Playbook for Men to Succeed at Work and Life.

So, hi, Dave, welcome.

Good morning, Carla.

Good morning. So I'm going to let you introduce yourself and give us a little bit more, tell us a little bit more and give us more background. But you and I met at an event and we started to, I don't know if you know, you know how we start conversations. And so we started talking about.

The importance of mentoring people and then you mentioned that aside of your job, that is really your passion helping people, guiding people and and then you mentioned that you wrote this book and I was very excited about just having a conversation because I believe that in today's environment, one of the main focus should be for us leaders to develop, talent and whoever is around us.

And so anyway, why don't you introduce yourself and then we can jump into a couple of the questions that I have for you.

Yeah, you bet. You bet. So, yeah, my journey is, I don't think it's unique. I think a lot of folks go through this type of journey. So yeah. First generation college graduate army veteran, the army paid for my college got the GI bill back in the cold war times in the mid eighties and I've just got a passion for helping mentor young people.

And here's why I grew up in a home with domestic violence and alcoholism. I didn't have a father speaking into my life. My mother was doing everything she could to, provide and to keep the family together and doing all of that, so. As I was progressing along my journey, fortunate to have good friends, good teachers, my older brother is an amazing hero of mine who guided me and protected me so I didn't stray too far off the path, but I made major decisions in my life.

And I did write the book. Yeah, be a hero in your home. The ultimate playbook for men and women to succeed at homework and life. And I just, I had to make major decisions on my own when I'm 18. I joined the military without talking to anybody in my family. I just did that. I went to college, first generation college.

I had a step grandfather who really helped guide and protect me, starting my career. Dating been married for 29 years, almost now very blessed and fortunate there. But in my twenties, I was trying to figure things out. And I was, I was, I was pretty mad as, as mad at my dad in the sense like, Hey, where are you?

I'm trying to make all these big decisions in life, and how to grow my career, how to build my finances, how to, be around the right people, build my faith, all of those things. And, the world didn't think I was mad, but inside I was just kind of like really upset about it.

So I'll do a spoiler alert for the first five, five pages of the book. I tell a story about a really crappy proposal. That I made to my wife to ask her to marry me despite my crappy proposal, she said yes. And she rhetorically said in the moment, she said hey, are you ready for this?

Come on, let's go on an attack life. Let's get it done. And instead of just high fiving and saying, yeah, let's go. Take on life and have a great time. She said, are you ready for this? And I froze and Carla, the reason I froze was in that moment, I really doubted myself in this profound way.

I was like, I know I want to be a good husband. I know I want to be a great father and provider. I know I. I want to build a great home. But at that time I knew how to launch a nuclear warhead. That was my job in the military. I had a degree in physics that I didn't know how to apply to life. I was a really poor physicist and I became a software engineer and I wasn't even, I wasn't, I think I was a worse software engineer than I was a physicist.

And. I was like, I want to build this great life and I'm trained for all of these things out in the world, but when I walk in my own front door in my own four walls, I have very little confidence and I don't know how to do the things that I think are essential for a great, family life, peaceful, confident family life.

And I was really upset by that. So I've had this passion that, that really got kickstarted. I was about 22 years old. I don't know the exact date. I remember the exact quote. I was watching a college football game and saw this quote from Lou Holtz. This is before YouTube. If I didn't see this quote, I mean, this is really a.

had a pivotal impact on my life. I heard Lou Holtz say something that changed my life. He said, there's three things that will change you from where you're at today to where you'll be the rest of your life. And that's the people you meet, the books you read and the dreams you dream. And at that moment I said, okay, I don't have a dad, but I can be intentional and I can go out and seek mentors.

I can ask people for advice. I can read books that have stood the test of time not the latest trends. The things that are really solid and have proven to work over time. And so in that moment, I began and dream bigger dreams, I think I was dreaming bigger things in my family of what I could achieve in life and with my family and career and things like that.

So all those things came together in that moment. And I started to be a little bit more intentional about life and really seeking out people that could help me.

Yeah, I love that you said that because even though you said that you're not unique. Yeah, you're absolutely right.

E everybody has a story and we've all been through a journey, but it's just really, how do you use that story You know, to help others. And you put it in words. And that takes a lot of work by the way. It takes time. 'cause I'm sure that this is not one of those things that you woke up and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna write a book.

I'm sure it took you years in the making and finally pull the trigger and make decisions. So that's super important. I know that you're a men. of action. And this is what you talk about in your book, right? It's not just about learning the theory and learning the concepts, but it's really taking action and making it, you're the only one that can change your life.

So, a couple of things you, I mean, I know that your title is specific. It's men and you said men and women, and you're right. All the principles applies for both. But I actually have to say that I appreciate the fact that you're focusing on men because we women have a lot of environments and settings in which we can talk about our challenges and how do we help each other and put, you know, push each other to be better and how do we mentor people, all those things.

It's easier for us to express our emotions and really talk about the things that we need and we feel, but we, men is a little different, men is a little different. I feel that historically, men is. strong, as a strong figure and you can't be sad and you have to be the provider and have to figure it out for you, your kids and all those things.

I mean, moms too, because I am a daughter of a single mom. So I can relate to what you're saying. And my mom she guided me up to a point and then it was up to me to figure it out. What else do I need to do? However going back to what I was saying, I feel like there's a lot of settings for women not necessarily for men.

Men are like, I am the, CEO, the CIO, the, it's like the title sometimes is what. men feel like is their persona which it's really not like you talk about army kids or we talk about sport athletes then what happens after right nobody trains you to be that so is that the reason why you focus on men and what is your take on that?

Yeah, I think well, men are in danger and I have three grown sons that are in their twenties. They're all married and on their way. Very proud of them. Couldn't be more proud of them. They're doing a great job in life being very intentional about life. But men are in danger. I mean, I think a lot of societies in danger for many reasons, but I don't have the statistics in front of me.

I do have them in the book, five times more likely to commit suicide, six times more likely to be in violent situations, 10 times more likely to be in substance abuse, 14 of the 15 top diseases that people pass away from men, the pathway from those much more frequently than women. So men are in danger. College attendance rates are down, things like that. There's a lot going on. It's very complex. So I do want to challenge men to step up and to lean in and to say that, hey, there is hope there is a plan. And, you couple that with, divorce rates that haven't fully changed a lot over the last, 30 years, 40 to 50%, depending on what you look at, but kids, men and women, boys and girls growing up in households without an intentional father those rates are increasing as well.

So it's really a call to action for men. To really say, Hey, you can lean in, you can have a plan you can get training to be successful inside your home. And, the reason I wrote it down is I was 50 years old at the time when it really happened. And I was like, okay, if I could go back and talk to my 20 year old self, what would I tell myself?

And I had been mentoring men for years, been a part of men's groups and the things that, that. Young men were asking, we're the same over and over, Hey, how do I build a career? How do I build my finances? I need a friend group. I need some support, during times when I'm in need.

How can I take care of my mental and physical health and well being and spiritual health? So, I mean, all of these themes were consistent over and over. So, you combine that thought of writing a letter to your 20 year old self. And then I thought, I've got a 20 year old son. My oldest son was 20 years old at the time.

So that was the catalyst to put it into a book form. But behind the scenes, I do programs. I do programs with veterans collegiate athletes that are getting ready. They're getting ready to graduate. I do it for my own organization for worldwide technology mentor 20 something early career folks.

So there, there's a lot of ways to deliver this and the book is just, it's just a way , to memorialize it and to put it down in writing, but the program is the fun part where you get a cohort of, 10 early career. When you talk you just put them together and you talk about life, you talk about how to grow your, your personal life.

And that's where the magic happens. It's not me doing anything. It's creating and facilitating an environment where people understand they're not alone. They can build confidence. It's a safe zone. They can say anything they want, what they're afraid of, what their hopes and dreams are. It's just that environment that is really what I get excited about.

That's great. and again, I feel like those are a lot of the things that I, I go to a lot of women's group and we, we openly talk about that. But I don't feel that it's as easy for men to really express those things. So yeah I, so two, two, I have two questions, but the first one is So you structure the book in three phases.

Initially is You really need to get to know yourself and then you have the playbook and then you have, the hero in action. Why do you choose this specific order? I mean, there's something behind that. And I know that you talk about in the book, but I want you to kind of.

Yeah. I mean, the first third of the book is.

I tell a lot of stories about myself, and honestly, nobody should give a hooey about J. Malar's story. It's only there as a model to say, how can you tell your own story about yourself? First of all, we're all messy. And I think there's a lot of young folks. I think a lot of it is driven by social media.

I don't want to do too many broad brush, assumptions here, but you can compare your imperfect life to somebody's perfect life that you see on social media. That's a big theme that is proving to be very detrimental to the 20 somethings of today. But just to say, Hey, Okay.

We're all messy. It's okay. And even more than that, your messiness is your power. You grew up with a single mom. I grew up with a single mom. Well, my mom remarried. She married a man that was on his own journey as well. So, he wasn't speaking into my life either, but we all have something and that ultimately can become our superpower.

I mean, I used to think I had a terrible story. I was ashamed of it. It took me until I was 50 years old to say I grew up in a home with domestic violence and alcoholism because I just wanted to bury that. I didn't want anybody to know about that. And now I can say it. I don't say it proudly. I just say it as a fact.

It was my life. So the first third of the book is to say, It's okay. You're okay. You're not damaged. This is part of you. It's going to make you better, stronger, and just acknowledge it. Just put that into words. And then, the next You know, sections of the book. The next chapters are, I just call them enablement.

They're practical. There's not one unique idea from me that is in that book. I've borrowed it from quality sources. All I do is curate it. you can build your faith. You can build your finances. You can build your family. You can start a career. You can take care of your mental, physical wellbeing.

You can build a group of friends that are authentic and really care about you and really want what's best for you. I just say, here's a practical way to do that. Is that the end answer? No, I believe that's the tip of the iceberg. I think my book serves as a compass to say, Hey, you can get going in the right direction, but it's going to be a journey for many years and you're going to have many mentors over the course of your life that are going to help and speak into your life.

It's more of a. of a starter set to say, Hey, how can I get going? And then the call to action is to say, Yeah, what are you going to do? Where are you going to start? It's overwhelming after you read the book. And it's a very light read, I believe. It's very easy to read, but just pick one thing. And this goes to James Clear.

I don't know if you've read Atomic Habits. It's a book that just talks about getting started just. Just start little and figure out what do I need today? I try to ask the reader to, you know, understand where they're at. Are they building a career? Are they in a ditch with finances?

Are they struggling with some mental health issues? Do they need a couple of friends? Pick that one that is going to make the biggest impact on your life. And that's the final part of the book. Just pick a place to start and and get going there.

That is so true. It's really not about making it perfect because the journey is long.

It's just really about making progress. I was actually talking to one of my other colleagues and another super impressive story. And at some point we'll hear about it, but she climbed Everest. And when you climb Everest, you go up to camp and then come back and then second camp and then come back. And then, I mean, If you're really focusing on the peak, well, that can be overwhelming.

So it's really about the little steps that you need to take to get to that peak, whatever is your peak. I a hundred percent agree with you. So you talk about being able to create those spaces in which you can be a hundred percent you again. I tell you for women, it's pretty easy.

If you are a man and for all the men out there looking for those spaces, how do you go about that? What was, what would you recommend Jay?

Yeah, I think there's really three main things that I focus on to create those spaces. First just announcing it.

Hey, we're in this group. What we say, we're all going to agree that what we say here is confidential. It stays here. It doesn't go anywhere else. There's not going to be any gossip or sharing. We really have to have that trust and you just have to state that intentionally like this is what this group is about.

This is one of the ground rules. And if you're not comfortable with that, that's that's okay. Okay. We know you, you might not be a fit for the group, but you know, we're really here just to talk about what's important and what's on our heart. The second thing, and I do this in the book, I start every chapter with how I messed up.

And that's an authenticity and a vulnerability piece that I think does need to be demonstrated more to men than women. Just to say, you know, I don't have it all figured out. And I'm going to admit that to you, I'm going to, I'm going to confess that to you publicly. Hey, here's how I messed up. And what that does, and Brene Brown, if you've read any of her work she's a master of it.

She calls that courage, the courage to be authentic, the courage to to be your true self and to say it. I have to lead with that. I have to demonstrate and say, me too. I don't have it all figured out. But we can figure it out together. We're going to make mistakes. Progress is nonlinear.

You'll have some ups, you'll have some downs. But overall, you want the trajectory to be, we'll just say up and to the right, as we say in business and all the graphs that we try to put on our fancy PowerPoints. Right? So, lead with intentionality of saying this is a group is the first one. Being authentic is the second one.

And then finally, just inviting the group to say, Hey, to be themselves and let them know that they're not going to be judged. And if you put those three ingredients together, people will open up. I mean, even with my three sons, with men, it's even a little trickier. Sometimes you can't just say. You can't sit down for a cup of coffee and say, Hey, let's talk about your feelings.

That's just, that just doesn't feel normal. It doesn't feel natural. So, you can do something, you can do it in a, in, activities, events, you can just go on a walk. I mean, shoulder to shoulder is so much more effective. I think a lot of times to get a relationship going with men then the face to face across the table just walking and saying, you know, driving with my kids, we used to drive in the car.

You've probably experienced this in your family. You're driving. And your shoulder all looking forward and different conversation comes out then when you're looking at each other eye to eye with boys and my boys enjoy athletics and, playing games golf, tennis, baseball, pickleball, playing catch in the backyard.

That was the magic. I'd say, Hey, let's go play catch in the backyard. And they just start talking in a very different way as young men than they would. And again, if I sat him down and said, Hey let's talk about what's going on here. It just kind of opens up their heart a little bit. Less stressful for them.

They're, they just, they open up a little bit more with activities and events.

Yeah, it's, you're so right. You're not going to sit down with them and say, well, let's talk about finance and health and all those. It's just, it has to be, and not only with your children, by the way, it has to be, I mean, with the people that you mentor at work,

and that was my next question to you in terms of I mean, you, you talk about finding mentors along the way. Right. It doesn't have to be a formal mentor, it can be your coach, it could be your teacher, it could be your co worker, it could be many people, but it's really also up to us. to identify when people need that mentorship and help them through the journey.

How can we be intentional mentors and coaches? What do you think are some of the steps that we need to take to be really intentional about helping others? Because again, we can, it can just be like, for instance, if it's That our team, we're not going to sit down and sit down conversation.

We, when we talk about like a one on one, it just feels structured. And I remember me, I will tell my team, let's go for a walk and it's colorized, beautiful. And then when we will do our one on one, it was really a walk around the hospital, around the park that was around there.

And then we'll just chat about life. So. And it just felt more open and normal and fluent. But what will you recommend us as leaders that we can intentionally do to find those opportunities, to have those conversations and identify, how can we really help others?

That's a great question and I think the answer is a little bit complex in a way that I think it's two part.

First, congratulations for doing one on ones and walking. I mean, that's, that's beautiful. And I think that really does help develop relationships at the workplace and with teams. And you could do that as a mentor as well. You can say, Hey, you know, let's, let's go grab lunch, or let's go for a walk.

Just talk about things, tell me about your family, what's it like, what are you doing? Just understand outside of work. You're not talking about, a project within the, their career field. You're talking about their life and then you can talk about their hopes and their dreams and things like that.

So I think it's two part. One, you have to let folks know that. Hey, you think mentorship is important? How it's impacted you goes back to that authenticity and vulnerability. You can tell a story like, Hey, I didn't have it all figured out. I was really in this tough spot. And, I found a mentor who really helped me through that tough time.

You can tell that story and use that as a model. And I think that's the biggest piece is just letting people know. That's, That's why it's super easy for me. I can say, Hey, I wrote a book about mentorship. And then all of a sudden people want to talk to me. And that's just the invitation that I provide.

Good. But secondarily, there's, I mean, the candid truth is there's a lot of folks who I think would really benefit from some mentorship. But they're not open to it at the moment, and so we just try to, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, that, that line the mentee has to really want to engage in it as well.

And what I found is. And that's what some of the cohort groups is, you, I cast a net out to, I'll say, 50 folks say, Hey, we're going to do, we're going to do a program, we're going to do 7 to 10 people in this cohort, you broadcast it out to 50 people.

And, the 7 to 10 that show up are really the ones that are ready. They're the really, they're the ones that are excited and, have some things that they're open to talking about. And the others, you can't make it happen. You can't force it to happen early in my after I wrote the book and doing programs.

I really struggled with that. It's like, man, there's so there's some there's like two or three people that I really care about that I really think could benefit from this and they weren't interested. And that's that's a tough knothole to work through as a mentor. But there's nothing you can do about it other than continue the invitation.

Be patient with them like there was many mentors who were patient with me and watched me go through some times that I'm sure they thought they could help with it's just being patient and kind and, continuing to have an open door and when they're ready they'll walk through.

You're 100 percent right. And, it's so interesting that you say that because, yeah we know in that position, you're like, oh, man, and you keep giving advice. And then, the other person is like, yeah, I don't need your advice. Or, they're just like, oh, yeah, that's a great idea.

But then, they, they just go off in a different tangent. And it's a little bit frustrating, but you're right. It's about having patience and being kind to others and really continue to listen to what they have to say, until you find the right opportunity.

Say, oh maybe I can get myself through this specific situation and help them out. I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she's like, Carla, I really need a mentor. And there's this woman, and we have, we had a long conversation for like an hour and I was just, telling her and giving her some pointers and some struggles that she's having.

And she's like, there's this woman at work that I really want her to be my mentor. Should I just go and ask her? And I'm like. And now what you're doing right now, asking questions and learning and being curious. I'm not your formal mentor, but I'm helping you out. So, you don't have to ask people, Hey, can you be my mentor?

Just be curious and have conversations.

Yeah, I think that's beautiful, Carla, because I, when I was in my twenties and I heard that Lou Holtz quote, three things that will change you most from where you are today to where you'll be five years from now is the people you meet, the books you read and the dreams you dream.

I figured I'd have this one mentor, like a Yoda, that, that would really guide me. And what I have found is I have a team of advisors in it and it started just like you mentioned, just seeing somebody in a business setting, and maybe they make a comment about. Their family or their finances or maybe they're, you know training for a triathlon and doing something, you know with their physical fitness Whatever piques your interest just go up to them and say hey, yeah, let's go grab lunch or coffee I want to learn more about that.

That's interesting to me. You know what you're doing in your life I'd like to learn just a little bit more about that. There doesn't have to be a formality of Will you be my mentor? And let's meet every two weeks. Cause those things generally did not work in my career. It's just developing a relationship again, being authentic and being curious, I think that's the ultimate.

Thing that a mentee needs to have to be successful is, Hey, how did you figure it out? So develop that superpower. If I have one superpower, it's sitting in a group of people. And I look around and I say, male or female, who is it that I admire? And who is it that I want to be like and then just going, asking a few questions to them.

And generally. I think everybody's open. If you go in a little bit open handed and say, Hey, I need a little bit of help or advice, everybody's going to respond to that, that I've experienced.

Yeah, no, a hundred percent. I feel like all of us are. A lot of us are very anxious to really establish those meaningful relationships and getting to know each other just because it makes it a lot easier.

And I also have to commend you for the other thing about focusing on men, by the way, that I was going to say is like me specifically, for instance, being in this industry where there's a lot of men it is important also that men know how to coach women. It's not about just.

being able to have a conversation with another guy, because we know that the dynamics are different. But the fact that you're focusing on how do I develop this younger men to be able to feel comfortable with themselves and, have those conversations and help others. It's not just because they're going to be helping other men, they're going to be helping other women and mentoring other women and helping other women, you know, it's both.

So. Again, I feel like sometimes because of the, dynamics is a little different, it's harder to get closer and have those conversations with the men being a woman, but the fact that you're focusing on, like, it doesn't matter, you just, our responsibilities to help whomever's in front of us and provide those opportunities.

I love that. Anything else that you want to add before the, we close the segment, Jay.

No, I just, encourage young folks in their 20s trying to grow their life, their career, their families just put yourself out there a little bit, ask somebody to, to talk about something that you need help with and, don't expect it.

The mentor to come to you. I think you have to create your own opportunities. You have to go out there and it's just little by little, it's nothing big, but yeah, just. Maybe set a goal for the next year. How can I, once a month there's a famous book and I read a long time ago, I should read it again.

It's called Never Eat Alone meaning that, for then that's a, it's a guide to networking, right? But I think that serves as a guide to mentorship as well. Just, once a month, go have a coffee, go have a lunch something, a breakfast with somebody. And just get to know him, get to learn about him, have them teach you something that's worked well in their life and figure out how you can apply it to your life and to your journey.

I love that. Like you said, you talk about that intentionality, action, opportunities for yourself. I am a huge believer of that. Well, thank you, Jay. I super appreciate it again. And if anything, they, and anybody can contact you now they know, read the book. I think it's awesome. It's so simple.

And the stories are great. And so I appreciate for, your work and for putting that together. so thanks again.

Thank you, Carla. And thank you for all the work that you're doing here with this podcast and making an impact on others. I appreciate what you do. Of course.

Same here. Thank you so much.

All right. Have a good day.

Thanks for listening to this week's Town Hall. A big thanks to our hosts and content creators. We really couldn't do it without them. We hope that you're going to share this podcast with a peer or a friend. It's a great chance to discuss and even establish a mentoring relationship along the way.

One way you can support the show is to subscribe and leave us a rating. That would be really appreciated.

Thanks for listening. That's all for now..